Writing: 25 Things

25 Random Things (the vanilla version) (kinky version here)

I'm studying to become an ASL interpreter. I've done a lot of things in my live and this is, by far, the best. I can almost literally feel the language washing over me whenever I watch people sign (and I can understand them). If I believed in fate (which I do not) I would be sorely tempted to say that this was "meant to be" - it feels that right.
Every day (almost) I write 100 words. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal but it's been a really interesting experience and one that I'm deeply connected to. Not surprisingly, I end up writing about people in my life quite often and I have developed the utmost respect for their courage - the people that call me “friend” really do so at their own peril.
I live in the house I bought in 1996 (in Philadelphia). Since then, my neighborhood has changed so much that my house would now sell for about 5 or 6 times what I should have paid for it. If I had to buy this house now, I could not afford it. As much as I hate to say that things could be worse, they really could. I often think about how lucky I really am.
I have 3 cats now, but at one point in my life, I had more than 10. If I had a bigger house, I would have more. I have a dog now too – and I’m really not a dog person (just like I had figured). One cool thing is that she’s deaf (like most Dalmatians). She’s very sweet and is a wonderful companion – we sometimes call her “Velcro.”
My cat Spider (b. 1996) was named by a 5 year old boy who lived next door to me at the time. Sometimes during the night he gets “lost” in the house or something and calls out in his best “come rescue me” meow. If you call to him, he will come and usually settle down
I love snow and rain. After it snows, the city sounds completely different. I love the way rain smells and sounds. I almost never feel bad when it’s raining.
I have one brother - he's 4 years younger than me but he always calls me his "baby sister." Sometimes he calls me "sis" which is a kind of throwback to my grandfather who used to call me "sister." Sometimes my brother teases me by saying "it's a good thing you're my favorite sister."
I came out as a lesbian when I was 19. It was the least traumatic thing I have ever done.
The other thing that happened when I was 19 was that my mom died. It was pretty weird then because I was too young to have one parent who was dead so people tended to be surprised when they found out. Now I'm old enough for that to be "normal" so when people find out, they think it's normal. I almost never tell them the truth.
I've been a vegetarian since I was 18. For the first few years I still ate Won Ton soup even though it has pork in it. I miss that soup a lot.
Even though I don't eat meat, I still love every type of food and don't really have a favorite. Every once in a while I'll still eat smoked salmon - I love it so much. It reminds me of my grandmother. If she were still alive today, I'd eat her chopped liver anytime she made it.
Most people, when they meet me, do not think of me as “white” and they often tell me that. The fact is that I’m 100% Russian/Jewish. My maternal grandfather and great grandmother as well as both paternal great grandparents came from Russia.
I’m so curious why people are seemingly obsessed with eternal life – with feeling like dying isn’t “the end.” I’m not afraid of dying but sometimes I’m sad that I’ll miss out on what happens after I die. Other times I’m a little bit grateful I won’t have to live through the disasters I feel certain we’ve set ourselves up for. I know (at best I can I guess) how my dad feels when he says that having children is giving hostages to fortune.
I love the way words feel when I say them - how they sound, and how they look (both in writing and in ASL). And it is their meaning that I can feel all over my skin when I talk (or listen to people talking). When I was a kid I always wanted to keep a journal but I never could get past how my handwriting looked. Now with a computer I can write as much as I want (and often do) without ever feeling distracted by my "pen."
I really am tall enough to ride this ride but I just didn't know it - until recently.
I am so grateful for my father - he saved my life. He taught me not to be afraid of my feelings.
I love this: Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn´t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe and the biran fguiers it out aynawy!
I have a picture on my computer desktop of a cat in the middle of a paper mess (obviously created by the cat). The caption reads:" I has no explanation, but I also has no regrets." This fits me in so many ways :) (Yea, it's off ICanHazCheezeburger - I love that website).
When I was 19, I drove from NJ to CA because I was moving to San Francisco. That winter I spent a long weekend with my brother who was living in Los Angeles. We talked for 4 straight days. That is still one of the best weekends I've ever had.
My earliest childhood memory is from the apartment where we lived until I was about 4. I still remember the layout of the apt and I remember my brother's changing table in the hallway upstairs. I have no memory of my own room at all.
For most of the last 25 years, I’ve lived less than a mile from one of my closest friends.
I'm almost always cold, except for my feet which are usually too warm.
I feel kinda boring because I don't have any quirks like being squicked if something touches my feet or always having to hang the tp in a certain direction (can you tell I know some interesting people? /grin)
My brother told me that something that people really like about me is that I'm "emotionally available."
I've had jingle bells sewn onto me.

25 Random Things (the kinky version)

25 Random Things (kinky version, which I think serves far better as a sort of “checklist” than those horrid 10,000 question checklists that are just a list of activities you like or don’t like). You know ... How many times have you asked (or been asked) “So, what do you like?” I hate that question … I never know how to answer it. I could list the objects and activities I like, but so much of what I like is tied up in who I’m playing with. I guess the problem is that some of what I like is very intimate and some of what I like is “anything that scares me” and the rest is whatever pleases “her.” It’s not very specific information, but it leaves me feeling wonderfully vulnerable whenever I say it.

My very first exposure to S/M happened when I was 19. I was visiting a dyke friend in San Francisco and she showed me the dungeon in her basement (and lots more than that … /grin). She described herself as a heavy masochist - into cutting and all kinds of (what seemed then like) "crazy shit." At the time, I honestly didn't think I'd ever get into it. About a month later I moved to SF and shortly thereafter met my first kinky girlfriend. Never say never. I often think about that woman who was brave enough (or perhaps young and naive enough) to expose herself and her lifestyle to me. She changed the whole course of my life and I would give anything to find her and thank her, properly.
For a long time I struggled with being a “submissive type.” I spent several years trying to figure out how to reconcile a desire to be owned with understanding my place in the world as a strong, independent woman in the 21st century. Turns out a lot of the problem was never finding the role model I needed. Since I’ve had the opportunity to be owned, it’s fulfilled me in all the ways I expected, hoped for, and trust.
On an intellectual and emotional level I have a strong desire to be “marked.” I find that this kind of evidence, the physical manifestation of the experience (or the relationship), is extremely powerful. Even so, for me, marks from impact play are wholly different from marks that come from needles and cuttings. The fact that blood-play marks are (or can be) permanent intrigues me. I’ve got a long history of “body modification” and I do feel like this body is mine to do with as I please. Also, these marks are part of my history – I want to carry them with me. Even the sad ones.
I’m really not a masochist and, at times, I feel strangely embarrassed about this. Like I should find some way to take pleasure in bottoming even though most of the time I really don’t. There are a few toys that I am drawn to where the pain intrigues me – edgy intense objects, like canes, whips, needles - anything that scares me.
Part of the experience of playing, for me, is to tease apart how I move through that experience. What happens after the tears start? Even though I've been pushed to the point of tears, I always crave that particular experience.
It’s taken me a while to bring S/M and sex together. For a long time I really thought they should be separate, but the truth is I'm often very turned on by playing. The times when I’m not the least bit interested in sex are (almost) always controlled by whomever I’m playing with. If the scene is about pain, then the sexual aspect of it dissipates quickly and any sexual contact will take me right out of the experience. The problem, of course, is that if the scene goes the other way (toward sex) but my body chemistry scales are tipped just too far into the pain side, I lose the ability to orgasm for a while. Nothing is more frustrating than being completely turned on and not being able to come because your body chemistry is all f'd up.
You know that horrible question people ask all the time (or they used to): What is the difference between D/s and M/s? Well, I love that question - I love the subtlety of language and I believe that if those terms meant exactly the same thing, we'd not use them both. We don't have 2 words that mean exactly "snow."
I guess people don’t talk about this so much anymore, but the whole SSC thing really gets on my nerves. I’m tired of defending myself against something I’m not. Is WIITWD so much more dangerous or insane than living and breathing on this planet? No, it’s not - so the real issue is consent, right? But it turns out that SMers are the only ones running around insisting that the way they are living and the activities they are engaged in are consensual. Everyone else just takes that for granted.
I know some people can orgasm from pain and other people really crave pain for the sake of itself. I wish I could relate to either of those perspectives. To be honest, I don't much care for pain itself; I'm more interested in the other aspects surrounding it – taking it for her as well as all the mental masturbation that I get from the whole experience. Trying to manage pain is fascinating – it offers a kind of focus that draws me in, at least in part because, for a moment, it makes the world fall away.
Even though I’m no masochist, I prefer a sadistic Top. If she’s in it “for my pleasure,” that doesn’t work for me at all. Ultimately, I will never get that feeling of her owning my body if she thinks of topping as a service. It’s hard for me to admit, but pain scares me still. What’s not hard to admit is that I like the fear of it.
I often ask people why they live this way - why they choose to live a kinky life - why be someone's Dominant, Owner, slave, property? People often tell me I’m the first person who ever asked them that question and that always surprises me. Most of the time, the only answer I get is "it just works for me" or “it just feels right.” It seems to me that if you're going to make a decision this important about your life, you ought to know more about why you do it than "it feels good." (Asking people what they get from playing has been a deeply disappointing exercise and so I now save that question until I know people better.)
It’s funny how the aesthetics of the "stuff" in this lifestyle is so intriguing. I’m sure I’m not unique in this, but certain objects have an aesthetic that really appeals to me and just seeing the objects can turn me on. Other objects don't seem to have a "voice" and seeing them doesn’t trigger any feeling in me at all (which is odd because some of these objects are my favorite toys). Still other things have overtones and undertones that really turn me off and seeing them can make my interest drop immediately. The most appealing and compelling thing I see is the look in her eyes when she picks up something that turns her on.
I’m so all over the place about polyamory (and obviously feeling unsettled about that). It’s true that situations change and people change and no single person can meet all my needs (nor would I want them to). But is that any reason to not believe in long-term committed relationships? Is there some reason people can’t change together? And no one said anything about being physically faithful – I’ve always been semi-monogamous anyway and, in addition, would be damn bored if I could only play with one person for the rest of my life. It’s the emotional fidelity that I’m interested in. Is that too fucking much to ask for?
I used to think I just didn’t like impact play but it turns out what I don’t like is not having visual contact with the person I’m playing with. A mirror resolves that problem and I find that what I mostly crave is seeing her take pleasure in satisfying her sadistic needs on me.
I think there is this unspoken feeling that it’s “better” to be a Top than a bottom. I hear people talk about the “gift of submission” (you never hear about the “gift of Dominance”). Something about that phrase “gift of submission” makes me very angry – I don’t see my submission as “gift” anymore than I see my friendship as a “gift.”
I understand that the meaning of words is in me and not in the words themselves. However, when I hear people use the words Master or Mistress, I often cringe. Those English words are so big – their sound carries so many meanings that I cannot distill them into just the one contextual meaning they have for the person speaking. I don’t know how I would react if I were required to speak them (yes once again, signing them in ASL would be different because then it’s not English anymore. I don’t have the same saturated history and the signs themselves carry meaning in a different way). On the other side are words like Syr/Sir and Ma’am. These words have “no meaning” for me and so I have the opposite problem: I can say them or sign them, but each time, I have to conjure the meaning in myself.
People talk all the time about a “power exchange” but it seems to me that what people are really exchanging is authority. Now, an “authority exchange” isn’t very sexy, so I understand why people don’t use that term. But IMO, they really aren’t giving away (or taking) any power.
A lot of people (female submissive types mostly) will tell you that having their hair pulled immediately puts them into that bottom/submissive space. Having my hair pulled doesn’t work for me in that way. What does “drop me” is her hand around my throat.
"Come closer, I'm gonna hurt you while you fuck me" is a very hot thing to hear.
I feel so much pleasure sitting at her feet. The times when I’ve been able to do that have been satisfying in a way I can’t express correctly in language. It feels “right” in every part of me. It’s an outward facing view of the hierarchy in the relationship that I can touch, and for an instant, I can see us in a different way.
I can picture her hands forming the words ‘good girl.’ It is a profoundly different experience to hear those same words – for me, their auditory effect is mitigated, I suppose, by the millions of voices I’ve heard speaking those same words. I’ve spent a lot of time trying, in vain, to resolve the whole need for approval (if that’s in fact what it is about “good girl” that attracts so many people) but what’s far more engaging to me is how much more intense words are on her hands.
There's something erotic, exciting, and utterly intriguing about living a "secret life." I recently came out to a vanilla het friend and she said "Wow ... I always thought S&M was something only in the movies ... a fiction, a fantasy. You're telling me it's really real?" It’s been so long, I can hardly relate to how strange my life must seem to her.
I’ve tried topping a couple times and it doesn’t really work for me. However, one of those experiences I will carry with me forever. One time I played with someone fairly new. At her request, I beat her until she cried. I took a lot of pleasure from hurting her even though I didn’t exactly enjoy the experience and I'm not in the least bit anxious to repeat it with someone else. But what lingers with me still is how “clean” that pleasure was.
I think playing in public is part of contributing to the community. I think of it sort of like community dues – only I don’t mind paying. I’m really not an exhibitionist – I just feel like it’s an important thing to do.
I’m not really very interested in subspace – I can enjoy it when it happens, but it’s not my goal. Playing is about an opportunity to connect with myself and with someone else and I don’t often want a more diluted experience.